As the City of Houston’s bereavement liaison, empathy and vocation are skills that help Betty Davis-Gilbert to be there for city employees, their family and next of kin, and others who are going through a tough time and dealing with death.

Through faith, Betty Davis-Gilbert found not only her way to peace by accepting life, loss, and death, but also, to empower herself and transform her pain into purpose. As the City of Houston bereavement liaison, her own experience helps her guide others.

Davis-Gilbert has worked with the city for more than 11 years. Even though her professional background was in finance, around two years ago everything changed for her when an opportunity appeared, and she was ready to take it.

As the bereavement liaison, David-Gilbert’s job is to assist when a city employee or a member of the employee’s immediate family dies. Essentially the bereavement liaison walks with them through the entire process to help them navigate the benefits and services available while providing tailored support and companionship — adapting to each individual’s needs — to ensure they won’t feel alone, lost, or confused and not knowing what to do next.

This is a relatively new position in the Human Resources Department, but it functions similarly to what the Houston Police Department and Houston Fire Department have offered to their employees through their family assistant program and chaplains.

This is the ‘human touch piece’ for employees and loved ones to know that we genuinely care for them.” Davis-Gilbert said when asked to explain her job. “I provide a safe place for people to be vulnerable with their emotions” she added.

“Betty Davis-Gilbert has helped navigate the grieving process by offering a compassionate presence, actively listening to their concerns, and validating their feelings. She helps with the processing of Final Paycheck benefit, provides resources such as funeral home resources, mediates between family and me when processing life insurance benefits, etc. She is empathetic, compassionate, a great listener, resourceful, and a great team player. I am glad to have to opportunity to collaborate with her daily. She truly is amazing, the city is lucky to have her.”

Anakaren Martinez | HR Benefits Specialist | HR

As a Certified Grief Educator, she has the tools and expertise to help others navigate grief. But what turned her empathy into a vocation was the approach she took on her own life experience.

The Pain

For Davis-Gilbert things haven’t been easy. She has been through a lot of personal tragedy, especially during a short period from 2017 to 2022 when she experienced one loss after another.

In 2017 she started taking care of her brother who became ill. His health rapidly declined and he died the same year.

Early in 2018, Davis-Gilbert’s husband had a heart attack. She rushed him to the hospital but he died at age 48.

During the same time, her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease — a progressive brain disorder that damages memory and other mental functions, eventually resulting in the inability to perform everyday tasks. With no time to pause and grieve the loss of her husband and brother, Davis-Gilbert was now a caregiver for her mother while raising a teenager who had just lost his father.

Davis-Gilbert’s best friend, who was also her son’s godmother, helped immeasurably by looking after her son. That made Davis-Gilbert feel supported while she focused on her mother’s health. But more bad news couldn’t come at a worse time: her best friend who had previously been diagnosed with cancer died in May 2019.

Again, with no time to grieve and now without her pillar of support through this hard time, in June as her mother’s condition worsened, Davis-Gilbert moved her into her house to take care of her 24/7. Even all the accommodations to ensure her mother’s well-being and sleeping next to her every night, nothing could not stop the inevitable, and her mother died July of the same year.

Davis-Gilbert had always found strength in her relationship with God. Even when going through one loss after another in such a short period, she never allowed doubt to erode her faith, but she did wonder what the purpose of this might be and what more was to come.

She found herself preoccupied with her son, who was 15 at the time, knowing how the loss of his dad, grandmother, and godmother could affect him, especially at that age. But she was also absorbed and overwhelmed trying to process the situation, going through her own grief, catching up with work, and running a household. “I was just trying to do too much,” she said.

If 2019 wasn’t already a game changer for Davis-Gilbert, near the end of the year she received a call from her older sister — who was like a mother to her — asking if she would accompany her to a doctor’s appointment. Her sister was diagnosed with brain cancer during that visit and hospitalized in 2020 during the COVID-19 pandemic, which made it impossible to visit and physically be there with her. A nurse at the hospital arranged for them to see each other and talk through video and phone calls. Davis-Gilbert’s sister died in 2020, a year to the day after her mom’s passing. On the edge and frightened but focused on her responsibility to raise her son, she said to herself, “If I break, I may not come back … I can’t afford to break.” And as she described it, she “sucked it all up” and kept going.

Processing and transforming

In 2022 bad news kept coming her way as her grandnephew was killed in a shooting. As Davis-Gilbert tried to rationalize the loss of so many loved ones, she recalled thinking, “You know, God, you have a lot of faith in me.” Conscious that death is part of life and something that will eventually happen to everyone, she still found herself confused and overwhelmed.

Seeking answers through prayers and talking to God, Davis-Gilbert said she had an epiphany. “It came to me so clearly: God said you are only suffering because you want to live in your truth and not in mine. Death is going to happen; if He left to go and prepare a place for me, how can I get there, if I don’t leave this earth?” she said.

Davis-Gilbert said denial is a common part of the grieving process, but staying in this stage may make it more complicated and painful.

“When we live in truth, suffering is a lot easier,” she said, “but when we don’t, suffering is harder because we are wrestling with our feelings, emotions and denial, not in His truth.”

In her journey, Davis-Gilbert said she has also learned the importance of saying goodbye and the weight it releases..

“So often we are focused on our emotions that we miss the window to get the burden released during the transition of someone we love,” she said.

Davis-Gilbert shared one of her last conversations with her mother, where she told her mother how she wished she would have been a better daughter. Her mother replied that she wished she was a better mother, but they were both “the best they knew to be,” adding that she couldn’t have asked for a better daughter when she needed her the most.

“I could feel something just lift off of me,” Davis-Gilbert said.

Remorse, guilt, and even anger may erupt after the death of a loved one, especially when things were left unresolved or unsaid. When going through the grieving process, all emotions are valid and everyone needs their own space.

“We don’t know what is happening in their minds or what they are going through,” Davis-Gilbert said. “We need to give people grace.”

She added that loss may be the trigger for grief, but it may also unravel other things to grieve for. This process can be freeing and should be allowed to unfold naturally.

“Grief is just a part of us learning about a piece of our life that no longer exists and what it looks like going forward,” Davis-Gilbert said. She explained that the grieving process may be a period full of emotions and ups and downs — something that may change and be easier with time — but grief will always be part of our lives. Right after someone’s passing it may be hard seeing their photos or talking about them, but after a certain time — when we feel ready for it — we can look at their pictures, talk, and remember them with nostalgia, the pain won’t go away, but it will be more bearable and a part of who we are now. “It’s hard to go forward when you’re missing someone you wanted to be a part of your life but if you don’t grieve properly, it will take you out of reality.,” she said.

Processing and transforming

“Her ability to encourage and comfort grieving families during their worst time is remarkable. She was definitely called to be the bereavement liaison.”
Vidal Molina | Senior Captain / Member Advocate | HFD

In retrospect, Davis-Gilbert said she never would have expected to be where she is now, especially considering that her career had always been in finance.

“To be in this position, I had to live it. I had to go through the pain, the thoughts and everything else to be able to serve,” she said as she remembered how hard it was to come out of a depressive and dark moment of her life many years ago after someone she was very close to died by suicide. “I know God was preparing me for this,” she said.

Davis-Gilbert has been helping others improve their lives and outlook by doing ministry work for years. Even before she started as the city’s bereavement liaison, co-workers knew her as someone to talk to when you’re feeling lost or simply when you need to be heard. “I do a lot of ministry work. For me to come to work and do this is a blessing,” she said.

Even though she is a person of faith, she has an openness and respect for everyone’s beliefs. Her approach is to meet people where they are. The stages of grief are something she wants everyone to be aware of but also to know they may not all happen, or they may present in a different order.

“I wait to feel what I feel from that person … I can’t tell them what to feel,” she said.

Not following a checklist or a step-by-step process for Davis-Gilbert, everyone who comes to her is different and special. “I listen to what they need, and whatever that need is I am in 100%,” she said as she explained this is not a 9-to-5 job where she can leave work at the office. It is more of a 24/7 support service where being resourceful is required, as she goes from connecting people with funeral services or making sure they receive all their benefits, to calls in the middle of the night.

“Mrs. Betty is one that you can count on. If she says it, she does it! Not only is she compassionate, but she is also very knowledgeable about what is entitled to the person listed as a beneficiary and goes above and beyond to see it to completion. I have witnessed family members crying in thanks for Mrs. Betty Davis-Gilbert because they did not have a clue, but after their experience with her they felt relieved. In closure Mrs. Betty is valued, appreciated, and well respected by many for the service work she does.”

Gregory Williams | Culture & Engagement Specialist | HPW

Davis-Gilbert said her greatest reward is knowing she could help someone while they were going through a hard time.

Grief can come in many ways and for many reasons. Although there are things to consider and expect when going through the grieving process, there is no formula or steps to follow. It is a personal and intimate process, but having support from someone with similar experiences may bring comfort, peace, validation, and reassurance that it’s OK to feel the way we feel.

As the bereavement liaison, Betty Davis-Gilbert is available for all City of Houston employees, including HPD and HFD. Email her at betty.davis-gilbert@houstontx.gov or call her at 832-393-6137 or 281-841-4328.